When a client decides to come to therapy initially, they are in pain. Pain can be fluid. Sometimes it flows in and feels overbearing, and at other times, it feels completely manageable. Life gets busy, and we don’t always have the time or presence to focus on it. Maybe one day, I am sure that things will get better. I just need a vacation, and my problems will not feel so big. Just let me get through this work cycle, this week, this season, and things will get better. When I get a better job, a partner, a new home, then things will get better. Here is the surprise. The pain follows you on your path. Eventually, it becomes louder.
The Art of Distraction
Humans are amazing at distracting. It’s an incredible way to minimize pain. I just need a drink or a glass of wine to calm down after this day. I just need to relax and binge a few episodes of my Netflix fave. I just need to scroll for a while. The numbing of our emotions is pretty effective. The pain remains. This is usually when clients find their way to me.
“I feel exhausted.
I don’t feel excited about life.
I got the job, the partner, the home, the new car, the vacation.
I felt better for a few days, and now it’s back to the old me.”
Let’s spend time in that state. Let’s spend time in that place. Let’s be with the version of you who is tired of numbing the pain. Running from the pain.
A Client Story: Lily
Let’s take my client, who we will call Lily. Lily worked hard to become a lawyer. Her family were first-generation immigrants who ran a local restaurant. She watched her parents work 12-hour days and helped after school, doing homework in the office or dining room when customers were not in. She was encouraged to excel academically and build a better life than her parents had. She was a star student and excelled in university. She worked part-time through undergrad, went on to law school, and secured a position at a prestigious firm. She feels proud of how far she has come. The problem is, she also feels completely numb. She dreads going to the office and fears her colleagues will discover she is a fraud. She works extremely hard, is told she is a valuable asset, and is on track for partnership. Yet she secretly dreads her commute and often feels so drained that she avoids friends and family on weekends. From the outside, she is the image of success and the immigrant dream.
On the inside, she feels numb and exhausted.
Exploring the Core Beliefs
In our work together, we slow down and explore how Lily feels. We examine her core beliefs.The belief that she will never be safe unless she is always achieving. The belief that she can’t complain because she is more fortunate than her parents. The belief that she must do everything for family, friends, and colleagues because she is lucky to be where she is. The belief that everyone else’s needs matter more than her own. The belief that her feelings should be pushed down and ignored until they disappear.
Returning to the Self
I work with many clients like Lily. Amazing, thoughtful people who need the space and presence to examine these beliefs and the sensations they create in the body.
This work is about reconnecting with the true Self. Learning how to be with yourself rather than abandoning yourself. Creating presence instead of numbing. Addressing beliefs that once protected you but may no longer serve you. Sometimes the healing does not come from fixing the pain. It comes from finally listening to it.
