When a client decides to come to therapy initially, they are in pain.
Pain can be fluid. Sometimes it flows in and feels overbearing, and at times it feels completely manageable. Life gets busy and we don’t always have the time or presence to focus on it.
“ Maybe one day I am sure that things will get better. I just need a vacation and my problems will not feel so big. Just let me get through this work cycle, this week, this season, and things will get better. “
“When I get a better job, a partner, a new home, then things will get better.”
And here is the surprise: the pain follows you on your path. Eventually, it becomes louder.
Humans are amazing at distracting. It’s an incredible way to minimize pain.
I just need a drink or a glass of wine to calm down after this day. I just need to relax and binge on some episodes of my Netflix fave. I just need to scroll for a while. The numbing of our emotions is pretty effective. The pain remains.
This is usually when clients find their way to me.
“I feel exhausted. I don’t feel excited about life. I got the job, the partner, the home, the new car, the vacation, and I felt better for a few days, and now it’s back to the old me.”
Let’s spend time in that state. Let’s spend time in that place. Let’s be with the version of you that is tired of numbing the pain. Running from the pain.
A Client Story: Lily
Let’s take my client, who we will call Lily. Lily worked so hard to become a lawyer. Her family were first-generation immigrants who ran a local restaurant. She watched her parents spend 12-hour days at the restaurant and would help out after school, doing her homework in the office or the dining room when customers were not in. She was always encouraged to be her best academically and to make a better life than her parents had.
She was a star student and excelled in university. She worked part-time through undergraduate school and went on to law school, where she excelled and found a position at a prestigious firm. Her whole life she worked so hard to get to this point, and she feels proud of her accomplishments.
The problem is, she also feels completely numb.
She dreads going to the office and feels like her colleagues will be able to tell she is a fraud, that she doesn’t belong. She works extremely hard and is told she is a valuable asset to the firm, and is on her way to making partner. Yet she secretly dreads her drive to work, and sometimes feels so drained that she can’t do anything on the weekend and avoids her friends and family. From the outside, she is the vision of success and the immigrant dream, while on the inside she feels numb and exhausted.
Taking time with Lily, we explore how she feels. We explore her core beliefs. The belief that she will never be safe unless she is always achieving. The belief that she can’t complain, because she is fortunate compared to her parents. The belief that she should do everything for her family, friends, and colleagues because she is so lucky to be in her position. The belief that everyone else’s needs matter more than her own. The belief that her feelings are to be pushed down and ignored until they go away.
I have many clients like Lily, amazing, wonderful people who need the presence and space to examine these core beliefs and the feelings they bring up in the body. To reconnect with the true Self. To learn how to spend time with ourselves and be present with ourselves, rather than ignoring ourselves. To address the core beliefs that may no longer serve us.
